Parenting Your Parents

It seems you spend half of your life learning how to become a parent from your own mom and dad. Then you spend the rest of your life being a parent to your own children. There is a relatively new term for what many people (myself included) are going through right now, though: "The Sandwich Generation". It's a phrase that basically means families that are taking care of their own kids as well as their aging parents.

Not that this is a new phenomenon. In fact, in many cultures around the world it is extremely common to take  in one's own parents and return the favor, as it were. I guess it is us stingy Americans that so greatly desire our freedom and space that we have taken to ignoring our elders or feeling secure enough in their safety to hide them away in the most expensive of retirement homes. Now I'm not saying that's what everyone does. There are situations where a child is incapable of caring for their parent and has no choice but to find a nursing home or assisted living facility for their loved one to be cared for properly. I'm talking strictly about us as a culture. We're not used to taking on this responsibility anymore. Somewhere along the way we lost touch with our past. We moved too far away from each other. Our economy got too bad. Whatever the reason, it is now unusual to care for our aging parents.

Sometimes caring for your parent becomes a lot like parenting your parent. Especially when there are health or financial concerns involved. As mothers, it is ingrained in us to try our best to be patient and kind and understanding. But are we capable of that when it comes to our own parents? Can we be patient when dealing with adults who should know better but may not anymore? The same adults who used to boss us around and ground us for the most inane things now need to be supervised and placed under our careful watch while at the same time juggling the responsibilities of our own children. How do we handle this?

With humor. And adult beverages.

I have recently made the decision to stay at home to pursue my writing career (no this isn't it) and be a better mom to our three kids. I realized recently I am also going to be playing house with my mother-in-law. She has lived with us for nearly eight long years but recently we have had to make some decisions that not every child has to make for their parent.

It's very strange to see a grown person make bad decisions. Things like what to eat, when to take your medicine and when to wake up apparently just aren't that important anymore. What's even more strange is having to tell a full grown adult that ice cream is not a good dinner choice. Especially when you're diabetic. And eating even lean red meat more than three times a week when you have high cholesterol may not be the best decision. I had a friend recently joke and tell me it sounds as if I turned into a dog. My hearing has become so acute that as soon as I hear someone in the kitchen I pop my head up over the couch to see what mom is getting into. Then I tattle on her to my husband hoping he'll take care of it because I hate the confrontation.

I did have to tell her recently that I will drive her wherever she wants but that I can't let her drive my car anymore. Last time she drove I think she forgot she was at a red light and took her foot off the brake and ever so slowly started gliding into an intersection until I told her to stop. She blames it cataracts, but last time I checked your eyes don't control your feet. Additionally I had to put my foot down about what kind of food I would let her buy at the grocery store. No junk food. She joked and said she would start stashing her goodies in her room, but I fear it's no joke. I haven't gotten to the point of secretly going through my kids belongings, but my MIL's stuff may no longer be sacred.

Another problem I think a lot of people have but don't discuss as often is the grandparent parenting your children. It's a sore spot of mine for many reasons. My kids are my MIL's whole world. And they adore her. As a mom, I have found it difficult not to parent other people's kids when they are unruly so I can understand the inclination to 'parent' but my kids are far from unruly. I have a different parenting style than my MIL. I tend to let my kids make mistakes and see what happens. She likes to prevent bad things from happening. I am pretty relaxed and she is a worry wart. I follow through with my threats and she doesn't. I like to leave spontaneously and she hates that.

I made the conscious decision years ago to let the kids have this time with their grandmother, even if it is at my expense at times. Yes, we get frustrated with each other. She prefers her own cooking to mine, doesn't always like our house guests or loud music, but she is family. I suppose that makes her part of the club (sandwich - get it?). So what if she likes to eat junk food and feed it to my kids behind my back. They're building a bond that the kids will always remember. And what's a few doctor appointments and grocery store trips? She loves me like a daughter and would do the same for me if she could.

Parenting your parents. I suppose it could be sweet revenge. Or it could just be a really great way for your children to learn compassion first hand from the best example they'll ever have. You.

Raising a Bully

Sometimes good kids go bad. And when that happens what do you do? Encouraging bad behavior seems to be the wrong the thing to do. Encouraging good behavior seems the impossible thing to do. Then you're faced with the conundrum, "Am I raising a bully?"

There is no simple answer to this. In my household, my youngest is the most "bullish". We have the classic scenario of oldest, middle and baby in our household. True to form we put a lot of pressure on our oldest to succeed and be a good example. Our middle one feels the most left out and is most likely to compromise during an argument. Our youngest has learned how to get out of the most chores has the quickest temper. It is this temper and how she deals with it that has me worried from time to time that we may be raising a bully.

But what is a bully? As kids we were always taught that a bully was a person that picked on you because they were jealous of you. They were small minded and insignificant. But basically a bully is just a person who uses fear or intimidation to gain power over others. That would describe most of our government. So maybe I'm raising a politician; God help me.

I think my main concern comes from her ability to pick up on her siblings' insecurities and poke at them. Then, just when the wound starts to heal, she picks the scab and the cycle starts all over. She jabs and jabs until the older two lose their temper and a full blown argument ensues complete with hitting, kicking, yelling and screaming. And the cause of the problem is lost on the baby of the family. She isn't ready to accept that kind of responsibility. The reasoning is lost on her.

I told her recently to accept the fact that she is a bully. To embrace it and turn it into something good. You know, like... Well I'm sure there's somebody and if not she could be the first. Calling her out on it affected her. She went to her room and thought about it for nearly 20 minutes before coming back into the living room and apologizing. I thought for sure I made a connection. Until today...

I guess there's always politics. Hail to the chief.