I seriously debated on whether or not to jump on the band wagon and blog about Miley Cyrus's performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. I probably thought too long about it and am now out of fashion, but I have something to say. It may not be the popular opinion, but I have rarely been the popular type.
Let's take a step back and think about what network the "incident" occurred on. This was on MTV during their infamous VMAs. How soon we forget that ten short years ago a 21 year old Britney Spears and 22 year old Christina Aguilera locked lips with a 45 year old Madonna. But that must be okay because Madonna was already inducted into the VMA's shocking performers club in 1984 writhing to her new song, Like a Virgin. And Madonna hasn't been the only trendsetter. We can't forget Little Kim's purple pastie which tempted Diana Ross to jiggle her breast. I laughed right along with the rest of the nation. Or Lady Gaga's meat dress and Howard Stern's bare booty when he presented an award as Fart Man. Let us not forget Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. And Pee Wee Herman made his first public appearance after being arrested for indecent exposure at the 1991 VMAs. Who didn't cheer him on? My point is, this isn't our MTV anymore.
We've come to expect risque performances from certain people. Lady Gaga, Madonna and P!nk come to mind. These three ladies are known for making their own way and for putting on very large, daring and sexy stage shows. They frequently sell out their venues and work extremely hard at what they do. P!nk, in particular, is now juggling a young family while she works and I have nothing but respect for that. So why is what they do so different from Miley Cyrus? Is it because we didn't really get to know them until they were adults? Probably. Our sweet Hannah Montana has grown up and we need to accept that.
That being said, are we more shocked at who it was? Or are we more shocked at what it was?
Miley has spent a lot of time and energy the last few years trying to separate herself from her Disney image. So are we really that surprised she would do something parents would deem shocking on MTV? Personally, I wasn't shocked or appalled or disappointed in her at all. She was putting on a show. And she was in good company. Did I understand why she pulled out a foam finger? Not really. But do I care. Not really. Am I concerned for her future? No. The bottom line is, she's not my kid. And if she was, she had better support me when I'm old and feeble. We have all been twenty years old, yearning to prove we are strong and capable. We have all done things that others don't approve of. We just didn't have the opportunity of doing it in the public arena. On the plus side, in another year she'll be old enough to kiss Madonna.
As for the backlash I've read about Robin Thicke, let it go. It was a VMA performance. As far as I can see, he wasn't planning on going home with Miley after the show was over. I don't think he was grinding against her with any real effort. I have seen more X rated dancing in high school dances than I have from him. He pretty much just stood there and let her do the work. I just hope he leaves his wife more satisfied.
My kids didn't watch the VMAs. They know that Miley is no longer Hannah Montana and they're okay with that. I don't believe in holding on to this illusion that the people we see on television are never going to grow up and change. My girls have all of Miley's CDs. They have all of Hannah's CDs. And do you know what? I have all of Madonna's, Lady Gaga's and P!ink's CDs, too. And we love them!
Friday, August 30, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
The Computer Age
Social media has offered our children a whole new world of opportunities. Research has become so much easier and faster. Gone are the days of Dewey. Long live Google. Banned books are no longer really banned. They can be downloaded, for a price, to any e-reader. Pornography is available at the touch of a finger. Videos are forever imprinted on the internet. Cyber-bullying is in full swing. Wait... What did I say? Pornography? Videos? Bullying? What are our kids really up to?
I always fancied myself a laid back mom. When we had kids we had visions of talking to our children about the dangers of the world. Internet included. We had decided that we wouldn't be those parents that would put parental locks on the television or on the computer because everything was in a common area. We eliminated the need. There was no way they could seek out "danger" without us knowing about it.
Boy were we wrong.
It used to be that boys would look under the mattress or in the closet or garage or wherever for their dad's Playboys, Juggs, Hustler or Penthouse Magazines. But hard copies are so passe. Who wants to scour through articles to get to the good stuff when you're a twelve year boy who's curious about the female form? Not today's youth. Not when it's so easy to snag a laptop when your mom is taking a nap or cooking dinner. Not when any search engine will give you all the answers you need to know. And some you don't.
All I have to say is thank God for the History function on my browser.
I understand that boys will boys. This is really not much different than snagging Dad's mags and sneaking a peak. But it's so much more dangerous. There are so many things that a boy can accidentally stumble upon that we as parents don't want him to see. And once you see something, you can't unsee it. So it is up to us to protect our kids from the internet. I succumbed. We installed a parental control on the kids' side of the computer. And the television downstairs. Sigh...
But how we do control what they do at other people's homes? The truth is, we don't. We have to trust our kids to do the right thing. When I was high school I was working on a class project with a couple of boys. We were all together at one boy's house putting the final touches on our project. When we were done, they decided to get on the internet and search for sexy pictures of Teri Hatcher. Of course all that was available then was dial up on early home computers and the picture never fully loaded. That memory sticks out clearly in my brain. Boys being boys in an era that was slowly changing. The point is, we can't control what they do at their friend's houses but we can try to monitor it if we're sneaky.
My kids made the mistake of telling me that they had made a YouTube video with the kids down the street. I found it and watched it. It was completely innocent. Basically they were just playing a game in the front yard. The point, however, was that my minor children were video taped by other minor children and posted it on the internet to a minor child's YouTube account for the world to see. Of course I was furious. Not at the content, but at the sheer naivete of their actions. They had no idea that what they did was wrong. They didn't have parental approval from me to be on the internet. The account holder is under age and has a public account. These children don't know how to set privacy settings to protect themselves (or my kids), yet they have been given this powerful technology by their own parents. I now regularly check this account for videos. Yes, I am a stalker. I know who this person is watching, commenting on, posting and doing every minute of every day. The things we do to watch out for our kids.
My children (ages 12, 10, and 8) don't have cell phones, iPads, Game-boys, Nintendo DS or any other handheld electronic devices. We made that decision as parents to keep our kids part of a real community, not a cyber one. They walk with their heads held high, not staring at a screen. I'm not against the advancement of technology. In fact they use technology everyday and are very adept at it. I'm just against placing such power in the hands of those who don't understand how to use it. There's enough of that in the adult world.
So call me old fashioned, over protective, hypocritical... Call me what you will. But my kids came to understand why I felt what they did was wrong. So maybe we did get to have our dialogue about the dangers of the world after all. And do you know what? It was a good talk.
I always fancied myself a laid back mom. When we had kids we had visions of talking to our children about the dangers of the world. Internet included. We had decided that we wouldn't be those parents that would put parental locks on the television or on the computer because everything was in a common area. We eliminated the need. There was no way they could seek out "danger" without us knowing about it.
Boy were we wrong.
It used to be that boys would look under the mattress or in the closet or garage or wherever for their dad's Playboys, Juggs, Hustler or Penthouse Magazines. But hard copies are so passe. Who wants to scour through articles to get to the good stuff when you're a twelve year boy who's curious about the female form? Not today's youth. Not when it's so easy to snag a laptop when your mom is taking a nap or cooking dinner. Not when any search engine will give you all the answers you need to know. And some you don't.
All I have to say is thank God for the History function on my browser.
I understand that boys will boys. This is really not much different than snagging Dad's mags and sneaking a peak. But it's so much more dangerous. There are so many things that a boy can accidentally stumble upon that we as parents don't want him to see. And once you see something, you can't unsee it. So it is up to us to protect our kids from the internet. I succumbed. We installed a parental control on the kids' side of the computer. And the television downstairs. Sigh...
But how we do control what they do at other people's homes? The truth is, we don't. We have to trust our kids to do the right thing. When I was high school I was working on a class project with a couple of boys. We were all together at one boy's house putting the final touches on our project. When we were done, they decided to get on the internet and search for sexy pictures of Teri Hatcher. Of course all that was available then was dial up on early home computers and the picture never fully loaded. That memory sticks out clearly in my brain. Boys being boys in an era that was slowly changing. The point is, we can't control what they do at their friend's houses but we can try to monitor it if we're sneaky.
My kids made the mistake of telling me that they had made a YouTube video with the kids down the street. I found it and watched it. It was completely innocent. Basically they were just playing a game in the front yard. The point, however, was that my minor children were video taped by other minor children and posted it on the internet to a minor child's YouTube account for the world to see. Of course I was furious. Not at the content, but at the sheer naivete of their actions. They had no idea that what they did was wrong. They didn't have parental approval from me to be on the internet. The account holder is under age and has a public account. These children don't know how to set privacy settings to protect themselves (or my kids), yet they have been given this powerful technology by their own parents. I now regularly check this account for videos. Yes, I am a stalker. I know who this person is watching, commenting on, posting and doing every minute of every day. The things we do to watch out for our kids.
My children (ages 12, 10, and 8) don't have cell phones, iPads, Game-boys, Nintendo DS or any other handheld electronic devices. We made that decision as parents to keep our kids part of a real community, not a cyber one. They walk with their heads held high, not staring at a screen. I'm not against the advancement of technology. In fact they use technology everyday and are very adept at it. I'm just against placing such power in the hands of those who don't understand how to use it. There's enough of that in the adult world.
So call me old fashioned, over protective, hypocritical... Call me what you will. But my kids came to understand why I felt what they did was wrong. So maybe we did get to have our dialogue about the dangers of the world after all. And do you know what? It was a good talk.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
The Bedtime Bother
My children have never had a problem spending the night at other people's houses. I don't know if that's because we had to go out of town to visit my grandparents, because we allowed them to fall asleep at friends' homes while we late to visit, or because they spent the night with family members who genuinely wanted to spend time with them.
I've never been one of those mom who can't possible spend one night away from my children. Especially if their grandparents, aunts or uncles wanted to spend quality time with them. They're not going to be young forever and I am all for sharing this time everyone. Plus it comes with the benefit of some much needed "Us Time" for mom and dad. So why is it that other children have such a hard time sleeping over here?
I'm not a bad cook. It's true that sometimes I get a wild hair and try something new. Sure there are times that it doesn't work out, but more often than not, the new recipe ends up being a keeper. Occasionally even a family favorite. I love to cook and we often have big home cooked meals. Of course, I've been told by my kids' guests that my home cooking is not like their mom's. Maybe what's unusual is that we don't eat a lot of fast food, convenience foods, or pre-made meals. I make most everything from scratch because certain preservatives give me migraines. Maybe that changes the taste of things. Neither my husband nor I have a sweet tooth so we don't keep a lot of sweets around the house. Maybe that's the deal breaker. But we loosen up the rules when the kids have friends over. They can have more sodas and junk food while watching movies. I try to make it more like a party than an everyday event. Food is rarely an issue in our house.
Maybe I'm just too strict. I don't allow food and drink anywhere but the living and dining rooms. I just don't want ants in the bedrooms. I make sure they brush their teeth. I'm pretty strict about hygiene, especially your teeth. You only get one set of permanent teeth and dentures totally creep me out. I make sure everyone likes the movies that are picked and games that are played. I don't really set a bed time so long as you don't keep me up. My husband and I try to disappear into our bedroom pretty early so as not to interfere with the kids' fun. So I can't be too much of a wicked witch.
Maybe we're boring. Maybe the Wii, PS3, karaoke, movies and TV aren't enough. (Hey, we like our entertainment. Sue us.) If that's not enough, the kids have toys, but they must not be cool enough. Kids still say 'cool', right? Granted, we make our kids play without modern conveniences for most of the hours of the day. We just always felt that the imagination was the best tool that they will ever have. We didn't want them becoming the zombies of the next generation. You know, like the adults you see now that are glued to their phone screens; total zombie mode. I see that happening already. Some of my kids' friends are lost without their internet connection to their various devices (we won't give them our password). They end up resorting to playing outside most of the time unless I allow them to play video games. And I do allow it. A lot. I'm not a total wet blanket.
Am I scary? My little 5'2" frame? My kids' friends are bigger than I am and some of them will barely speak to me. I admit that my "Mom Voice" can be a little intimidating. But I use that on my kids. I soften it up when I need to correct a behavior with the friends. Am I so scary that they can barely speak to me? Or that they don't want to spend the night? My kids have two friends that have gone home in the middle of the night and one that won't even consider staying over. But my kids spend the night at their houses all the time. I just don't get it.
Maybe I just raised my kids differently. Maybe I just raised them to have fun and be more trusting. They know that I am always here for them whether they can see me or not. I raised them to feel secure in themselves and in their environment. Spending the night at a friend's house should be part of growing up. A kid should experience different family dynamics and break other people's rules. A kid should stay up late, giggling and telling stories. Kids should do their best to scare each other and make fun of the one that crashes first. Kids should play games and laugh till they pee. They should form friendships that will last through childhood and memories that will last forever. I want that in my house. I want my home to feel safe and still be fun. I want my kids' friends to stay the night. I want to hear laughter and arguments. I want those memories to form here.
As far as I can see, my kids are becoming very well rounded. They get to be parented by other parents. Push other boundaries. Explore other cultures. Taste other foods. They may not know it, but they are deciding on what kind of parent they will become by seeing other families first hand. I may be awesome, but I know that I can't be everything to my kids. Maybe these other kids, the ones that don't like staying away from home, are truly missing out on something wonderful. There may be no place like home, but my home is like no place else.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Body Image
I recently noticed that my youngest one, a daughter aged seven, has been making comments like, "I need to exercise", "Look how many inches I have lost", and "My tummy looks big today". I was floored to hear these comments coming from sweet seven year old. Especially one as active (and not needing to lose weight) as mine. It didn't take very long for the light bulb to click and realize that she was doing what kids do best. Copying Mommy.
Body image is one of those subjects that doesn't get talked about until there is a problem. A negative body image can have very damaging consequences. Eating disorders, low self esteem, and depression are just a few examples. When someone is suffering from a poor body image, we take it upon ourselves to try to boost them up so they feel better. We reassure and encourage them. After all, we've all been there, haven't we? Then we talk about them as if something were wrong. How could they feel so badly about themselves? Or how did they let themselves get to this point? How come no one noticed sooner? And we act like we don't understand. On the flip side, have you ever noticed that we always describe people in the most negative of terms when they have a healthy body image? Someone who is happy with the way they are is suddenly conceited, vain, pompous, arrogant, cocky, narcissistic, egotistical, stuck-up, or snooty. We can never just be happy for those with a healthy body image. And heaven forbid that those who are satisfied with themselves be imperfect in society's eyes. But we form society's opinions. We are society's eyes, ears, brains, and mouths. It's a vicious cycle that we stuck ourselves in. It affects us as mothers as we struggle to accept the changes that motherhood has made to our bodies. And it affects our children as they see us struggle.
Fifty years ago, the average woman weighed roughly 120 pounds and wore about a size eight. Today the average woman weighs about 145 pounds and wears a size 12-14. Fifty years ago, we had to be a lot more active to get things done. We forget that convenience wasn't always at our fingertips. Kids didn't have video games and mindless cartoons to entertain them. In fact, television wasn't even broadcast 24 hours a day like it is now. Food had to be prepared because TV dinners were still pretty new. There was no internet so you still had to physically go somewhere to mail a letter or talk to someone. No wonder people were smaller. Sizes have even changed to appease our vanity. A size 8 in the 1950's is roughly a size 2/4 today. Our fashion models have even gotten skinnier. Twenty years they were wearing a size 8. Today they wear a size 0. Our most famous stars are averaging a size 2-4.
It's no wonder that I struggle with my body image. I never bought into the idea that because we are constantly bombarded by images that I would somehow be affected. I thought I was smarter than that. I had a theory that because I had educated myself on the topic, I could avoid the pitfalls of a poor body image. It only took my fat clothes becoming my skinny clothes for me to become obsessed with my body image. And when I became obsessed, so did my daughter.
It didn't matter that I wasn't talking about her. It didn't matter that I wasn't asking her to exercise or eat less or eat better or watch her weight or the millions of other things we tell ourselves to do. She was copying me and I was doing it to myself. What should matter is that she says I'm beautiful and that she loves me and that she says I'm the best mom ever.
So I'll climb down off my soap-box now and be honest with myself. Yeah, I'm not real happy with my pudgy belly or my floppy arms. And maybe my legs aren't as nice as they used to be. But not being proud of who I am is affecting how my kids feel about themselves. I should hold my head a little higher and cut myself some slack. I've been through a lot to get here. My kids like me just the way I am. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little self improvement. I just need to go about it in a way that has a positive effect on my children's lives. The things we do have a lasting effect on our children. Let's make sure they are positive.
If you or someone you know needs help with an eating disorder please contact:
NEDA
NIH
Mayo Clinic
Fifty years ago information link here
Body image is one of those subjects that doesn't get talked about until there is a problem. A negative body image can have very damaging consequences. Eating disorders, low self esteem, and depression are just a few examples. When someone is suffering from a poor body image, we take it upon ourselves to try to boost them up so they feel better. We reassure and encourage them. After all, we've all been there, haven't we? Then we talk about them as if something were wrong. How could they feel so badly about themselves? Or how did they let themselves get to this point? How come no one noticed sooner? And we act like we don't understand. On the flip side, have you ever noticed that we always describe people in the most negative of terms when they have a healthy body image? Someone who is happy with the way they are is suddenly conceited, vain, pompous, arrogant, cocky, narcissistic, egotistical, stuck-up, or snooty. We can never just be happy for those with a healthy body image. And heaven forbid that those who are satisfied with themselves be imperfect in society's eyes. But we form society's opinions. We are society's eyes, ears, brains, and mouths. It's a vicious cycle that we stuck ourselves in. It affects us as mothers as we struggle to accept the changes that motherhood has made to our bodies. And it affects our children as they see us struggle.
Fifty years ago, the average woman weighed roughly 120 pounds and wore about a size eight. Today the average woman weighs about 145 pounds and wears a size 12-14. Fifty years ago, we had to be a lot more active to get things done. We forget that convenience wasn't always at our fingertips. Kids didn't have video games and mindless cartoons to entertain them. In fact, television wasn't even broadcast 24 hours a day like it is now. Food had to be prepared because TV dinners were still pretty new. There was no internet so you still had to physically go somewhere to mail a letter or talk to someone. No wonder people were smaller. Sizes have even changed to appease our vanity. A size 8 in the 1950's is roughly a size 2/4 today. Our fashion models have even gotten skinnier. Twenty years they were wearing a size 8. Today they wear a size 0. Our most famous stars are averaging a size 2-4.
It's no wonder that I struggle with my body image. I never bought into the idea that because we are constantly bombarded by images that I would somehow be affected. I thought I was smarter than that. I had a theory that because I had educated myself on the topic, I could avoid the pitfalls of a poor body image. It only took my fat clothes becoming my skinny clothes for me to become obsessed with my body image. And when I became obsessed, so did my daughter.
It didn't matter that I wasn't talking about her. It didn't matter that I wasn't asking her to exercise or eat less or eat better or watch her weight or the millions of other things we tell ourselves to do. She was copying me and I was doing it to myself. What should matter is that she says I'm beautiful and that she loves me and that she says I'm the best mom ever.
So I'll climb down off my soap-box now and be honest with myself. Yeah, I'm not real happy with my pudgy belly or my floppy arms. And maybe my legs aren't as nice as they used to be. But not being proud of who I am is affecting how my kids feel about themselves. I should hold my head a little higher and cut myself some slack. I've been through a lot to get here. My kids like me just the way I am. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little self improvement. I just need to go about it in a way that has a positive effect on my children's lives. The things we do have a lasting effect on our children. Let's make sure they are positive.
If you or someone you know needs help with an eating disorder please contact:
NEDA
NIH
Mayo Clinic
Fifty years ago information link here
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Friend Zone
I'm sure all of us had friends that our parents didn't approve of for one reason or another. Be it their long hair, surly attitude, secretive ways or lack of volume control, there was always a reason to find fault with our friends. Of course I never understood any of this as an adolescent. As an adult, however....
My kids' friends can be so annoying. Not only do they not have an instant understanding of our house rules, but the things they do make me wonder if they are even raised in a house. Here are 10 simple and I think very logical rules to follow:
#1. My House is NOT a Restaurant (unless you want to pay me)
I love to cook and I am happy to report that my kids love what I make. Yes, my children can be somewhat to blame by offering their friends snacks, but do not take advantage of a host's kindness and raid the fridge. Additionally, a simple "May I have a drink?" goes a lot further than helping yourself to whatever you can find in my kitchen. I am happy to pop popcorn for movies and provide glasses of water or kool-aid, but let's refrain from getting sugared up on cokes and candy while you're running amok through my home.
#2. Knock Before You Enter
This goes for all people that are not personal close friends of my husband and I. Our family and a select few of our friends have the privilege of making our house their home. They know who they are without question. I can tell you right now that if you have yet to go through puberty, you had best knock and wait for an answer before entering my domicile.
#3. If you Break Something, Fess Up
Look, I have three kids, a dog, an elderly mother in law and a clumsy husband. I don't have much valuable in my house so chances are if you break something, I probably got it at a discount or second hand. Just tell me. I'm not going to freak out about it unless it was something that was in my bedroom or in the china cabinet where you weren't supposed to be anyway.
#4. Remember Your Place
I know that there are many types of personalities in this world and I am not the kind of mom to stifle my own kids' quirks, be it bossiness, creativity, or surliness. Within reason, of course. But you're not my kid. I try to teach the art of compromise in my home. It's the best way I have to deal with all the strong personalities I have growing and developing and teach then how to deal with each other. Either take turns or play separately. If you can't deal with that, feel free to go home. How's that for compromise?
#5. Please and Thank You
Am I the only parent that still teaches those little words? Likewise, I hope my children remember their manners when they are in other people's homes...
#6. If You're Bored Then You're Boring
I try not to let my kids play video games, watch movies or tv, or scour the internet for hours on end. They don't own any handheld devices or cell phones. They do have little iPod shuffles and headphones, but nothing fancy. I like to make them go outside and play. In fact we have a lot of outdoors toys. If it's raining or too hot, I make them use this thing called an 'imagination'. So if you come over, expect to get some exercise be it physically or mentally. I admit, there are times I could try harder and have some organized activities ready for just this scenario, but I'm not the one who's bored.
#7. Use Your Technology Responsibly
I know kids these days (that made me sound old) have fancier phones than I do, but I still expect them to use them responsibly when they're in my house. My youngest child is seven and is more easily susceptible to nightmares than my other two. We are big movie buffs and tend to watch a variety of horror films quite frequently. The rule in our house is that if you feel it is too scary, you are free to excuse yourself. But if you watch it, watch it at your own risk. Recently, my youngest has been having nightmares, claiming to be afraid of the dark and refusing to even go to the bathroom alone. We couldn't figure out why because she hadn't been watching any 'scary' movies with us. It turns out that she was watching scary movies clips on YouTube on a friend's phone. What an eight year needs with that technology, I will never know. So now I have to monitor not only my kids' internet activity but their friends as well so I don't have anymore wake up calls at 4:30 in the morning.
#8. Don't Invite Yourself to Spend the Night
I don't mind sleepovers. I like having a bunch of kids camping out in the living room, watching movies and making memories. However, chances are, if you had to invite yourself, I didn't want you there to begin with.
#9. Talk to Me
I am not a big hairy monster that's going to tell all the kids at school that embarrassing thing you did at my house. That's my kids' job. Just talk to me. Nothing bothers me more than a kid that doesn't speak up. I don't know whether you're shy or shady. It's best not to give me a reason not to trust you.
#10. If You're Not Allowed to at You're House...
If you're not allowed to do it at you're house, chances are you can't do it at mine. This includes, but is not limited to, jumping on the bed, yelling, screaming, roughhousing, running, ruining dinner, eating tons of junk food, being rude or bossy, terrorizing the dog, hogging the game controls, talking back, or leaving a mess for yours truly to clean up.
If you follow these simple rules, your kid will have a great time over here. I love letting my girls do crafts and bake cupcakes. My son and his friends have all sorts of zombie apocalypse games that they have made up to play outside. I like taking the kids to the neighborhood pool and to the library. They can go to the park or wash the car or their bikes. We have more games than I can name or have storage for. I'm not stingy when it comes to video games, movies or tv. I just try to make sure that everyone agrees on what is played. And of course the house has to be presentable before we have company. After all, Mommy has to get something out of the deal.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
The Art of Bribery
Summer is a time when the kids are home from school and have all the free time in the world. It's a time for them to use their imaginations and create new games and express their ideas. They can play outdoors all day and well into the evening thanks to the extended hours and warm temperatures. They can visit with friends, go biking, go to the park, the pool, or the neighborhood witch's house. All of which they complete within the first three days of summer vacation. Then the boredom sets in.
It is in this that I envy parents who work outside the home. My day begins with a new show my girls have discovered. Perhaps you remember it. Full House. Yes, my morning cup of coffee wouldn't be complete without Bob Saget giving me lessons in life, John Stamos flipping his hair, and Dave Coulier doing every cartoon voice I can think of from the last 50 years. I suppose now I know how my parents felt when I made them watch it when it was brand new. However, I have new memories attached to some of the players of Full House. I can't help but giggle at Saget's very G rated dad when I've seen his stand up. It's filthy, but hilarious. There was also Mary-Kate Olsen's short stint on Weeds where she played the pot smoking girlfriend of Silas Botwin.
So instead of sitting around and watching reruns all day, I have resorted to bribery. I can be a very evil mommy when my sanity is at stake. The summer activities they were taking for granted have now become a hot commodity.
What's that you say? You want to watch Full House? I'll let you watch two episodes if you clean the living room. You want to go outside and play with your friends? (A double sanity saver because now the kids are outside and not making a mess in the house) I need you to clean your bedroom. I have also have a tidy dining room, kitchen and bathrooms in exchange for video games, movies, and having friends over. Their laundry gets put away in exchange for dessert. And the parenting books all say not to bribe your kids. How do you think I got through toilet training? I was sneaky with that one, though. I got "special soap" you could only use if you went potty.
Bribing my kids has been pretty easy. Plus, if you don't do the chore, you don't get the reward. Period. End of story.
Don't judge me.
It is in this that I envy parents who work outside the home. My day begins with a new show my girls have discovered. Perhaps you remember it. Full House. Yes, my morning cup of coffee wouldn't be complete without Bob Saget giving me lessons in life, John Stamos flipping his hair, and Dave Coulier doing every cartoon voice I can think of from the last 50 years. I suppose now I know how my parents felt when I made them watch it when it was brand new. However, I have new memories attached to some of the players of Full House. I can't help but giggle at Saget's very G rated dad when I've seen his stand up. It's filthy, but hilarious. There was also Mary-Kate Olsen's short stint on Weeds where she played the pot smoking girlfriend of Silas Botwin.
So instead of sitting around and watching reruns all day, I have resorted to bribery. I can be a very evil mommy when my sanity is at stake. The summer activities they were taking for granted have now become a hot commodity.
What's that you say? You want to watch Full House? I'll let you watch two episodes if you clean the living room. You want to go outside and play with your friends? (A double sanity saver because now the kids are outside and not making a mess in the house) I need you to clean your bedroom. I have also have a tidy dining room, kitchen and bathrooms in exchange for video games, movies, and having friends over. Their laundry gets put away in exchange for dessert. And the parenting books all say not to bribe your kids. How do you think I got through toilet training? I was sneaky with that one, though. I got "special soap" you could only use if you went potty.
Bribing my kids has been pretty easy. Plus, if you don't do the chore, you don't get the reward. Period. End of story.
Don't judge me.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Parenting Your Parents
It seems you spend half of your life learning how to become a parent from your own mom and dad. Then you spend the rest of your life being a parent to your own children. There is a relatively new term for what many people (myself included) are going through right now, though: "The Sandwich Generation". It's a phrase that basically means families that are taking care of their own kids as well as their aging parents.
Not that this is a new phenomenon. In fact, in many cultures around the world it is extremely common to take in one's own parents and return the favor, as it were. I guess it is us stingy Americans that so greatly desire our freedom and space that we have taken to ignoring our elders or feeling secure enough in their safety to hide them away in the most expensive of retirement homes. Now I'm not saying that's what everyone does. There are situations where a child is incapable of caring for their parent and has no choice but to find a nursing home or assisted living facility for their loved one to be cared for properly. I'm talking strictly about us as a culture. We're not used to taking on this responsibility anymore. Somewhere along the way we lost touch with our past. We moved too far away from each other. Our economy got too bad. Whatever the reason, it is now unusual to care for our aging parents.
Sometimes caring for your parent becomes a lot like parenting your parent. Especially when there are health or financial concerns involved. As mothers, it is ingrained in us to try our best to be patient and kind and understanding. But are we capable of that when it comes to our own parents? Can we be patient when dealing with adults who should know better but may not anymore? The same adults who used to boss us around and ground us for the most inane things now need to be supervised and placed under our careful watch while at the same time juggling the responsibilities of our own children. How do we handle this?
With humor. And adult beverages.
I have recently made the decision to stay at home to pursue my writing career (no this isn't it) and be a better mom to our three kids. I realized recently I am also going to be playing house with my mother-in-law. She has lived with us for nearly eight long years but recently we have had to make some decisions that not every child has to make for their parent.
It's very strange to see a grown person make bad decisions. Things like what to eat, when to take your medicine and when to wake up apparently just aren't that important anymore. What's even more strange is having to tell a full grown adult that ice cream is not a good dinner choice. Especially when you're diabetic. And eating even lean red meat more than three times a week when you have high cholesterol may not be the best decision. I had a friend recently joke and tell me it sounds as if I turned into a dog. My hearing has become so acute that as soon as I hear someone in the kitchen I pop my head up over the couch to see what mom is getting into. Then I tattle on her to my husband hoping he'll take care of it because I hate the confrontation.
I did have to tell her recently that I will drive her wherever she wants but that I can't let her drive my car anymore. Last time she drove I think she forgot she was at a red light and took her foot off the brake and ever so slowly started gliding into an intersection until I told her to stop. She blames it cataracts, but last time I checked your eyes don't control your feet. Additionally I had to put my foot down about what kind of food I would let her buy at the grocery store. No junk food. She joked and said she would start stashing her goodies in her room, but I fear it's no joke. I haven't gotten to the point of secretly going through my kids belongings, but my MIL's stuff may no longer be sacred.
Another problem I think a lot of people have but don't discuss as often is the grandparent parenting your children. It's a sore spot of mine for many reasons. My kids are my MIL's whole world. And they adore her. As a mom, I have found it difficult not to parent other people's kids when they are unruly so I can understand the inclination to 'parent' but my kids are far from unruly. I have a different parenting style than my MIL. I tend to let my kids make mistakes and see what happens. She likes to prevent bad things from happening. I am pretty relaxed and she is a worry wart. I follow through with my threats and she doesn't. I like to leave spontaneously and she hates that.
I made the conscious decision years ago to let the kids have this time with their grandmother, even if it is at my expense at times. Yes, we get frustrated with each other. She prefers her own cooking to mine, doesn't always like our house guests or loud music, but she is family. I suppose that makes her part of the club (sandwich - get it?). So what if she likes to eat junk food and feed it to my kids behind my back. They're building a bond that the kids will always remember. And what's a few doctor appointments and grocery store trips? She loves me like a daughter and would do the same for me if she could.
Parenting your parents. I suppose it could be sweet revenge. Or it could just be a really great way for your children to learn compassion first hand from the best example they'll ever have. You.
Not that this is a new phenomenon. In fact, in many cultures around the world it is extremely common to take in one's own parents and return the favor, as it were. I guess it is us stingy Americans that so greatly desire our freedom and space that we have taken to ignoring our elders or feeling secure enough in their safety to hide them away in the most expensive of retirement homes. Now I'm not saying that's what everyone does. There are situations where a child is incapable of caring for their parent and has no choice but to find a nursing home or assisted living facility for their loved one to be cared for properly. I'm talking strictly about us as a culture. We're not used to taking on this responsibility anymore. Somewhere along the way we lost touch with our past. We moved too far away from each other. Our economy got too bad. Whatever the reason, it is now unusual to care for our aging parents.
Sometimes caring for your parent becomes a lot like parenting your parent. Especially when there are health or financial concerns involved. As mothers, it is ingrained in us to try our best to be patient and kind and understanding. But are we capable of that when it comes to our own parents? Can we be patient when dealing with adults who should know better but may not anymore? The same adults who used to boss us around and ground us for the most inane things now need to be supervised and placed under our careful watch while at the same time juggling the responsibilities of our own children. How do we handle this?
With humor. And adult beverages.
I have recently made the decision to stay at home to pursue my writing career (no this isn't it) and be a better mom to our three kids. I realized recently I am also going to be playing house with my mother-in-law. She has lived with us for nearly eight long years but recently we have had to make some decisions that not every child has to make for their parent.
It's very strange to see a grown person make bad decisions. Things like what to eat, when to take your medicine and when to wake up apparently just aren't that important anymore. What's even more strange is having to tell a full grown adult that ice cream is not a good dinner choice. Especially when you're diabetic. And eating even lean red meat more than three times a week when you have high cholesterol may not be the best decision. I had a friend recently joke and tell me it sounds as if I turned into a dog. My hearing has become so acute that as soon as I hear someone in the kitchen I pop my head up over the couch to see what mom is getting into. Then I tattle on her to my husband hoping he'll take care of it because I hate the confrontation.
I did have to tell her recently that I will drive her wherever she wants but that I can't let her drive my car anymore. Last time she drove I think she forgot she was at a red light and took her foot off the brake and ever so slowly started gliding into an intersection until I told her to stop. She blames it cataracts, but last time I checked your eyes don't control your feet. Additionally I had to put my foot down about what kind of food I would let her buy at the grocery store. No junk food. She joked and said she would start stashing her goodies in her room, but I fear it's no joke. I haven't gotten to the point of secretly going through my kids belongings, but my MIL's stuff may no longer be sacred.
Another problem I think a lot of people have but don't discuss as often is the grandparent parenting your children. It's a sore spot of mine for many reasons. My kids are my MIL's whole world. And they adore her. As a mom, I have found it difficult not to parent other people's kids when they are unruly so I can understand the inclination to 'parent' but my kids are far from unruly. I have a different parenting style than my MIL. I tend to let my kids make mistakes and see what happens. She likes to prevent bad things from happening. I am pretty relaxed and she is a worry wart. I follow through with my threats and she doesn't. I like to leave spontaneously and she hates that.
I made the conscious decision years ago to let the kids have this time with their grandmother, even if it is at my expense at times. Yes, we get frustrated with each other. She prefers her own cooking to mine, doesn't always like our house guests or loud music, but she is family. I suppose that makes her part of the club (sandwich - get it?). So what if she likes to eat junk food and feed it to my kids behind my back. They're building a bond that the kids will always remember. And what's a few doctor appointments and grocery store trips? She loves me like a daughter and would do the same for me if she could.
Parenting your parents. I suppose it could be sweet revenge. Or it could just be a really great way for your children to learn compassion first hand from the best example they'll ever have. You.
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