The Bedtime Bother

My children have never had a problem spending the night at other people's houses. I don't know if that's because we had to go out of town to visit my grandparents, because we allowed them to fall asleep at friends' homes while we late to visit, or because they spent the night with family members who genuinely wanted to spend time with them.

I've never been one of those mom who can't possible spend one night away from my children. Especially if their grandparents, aunts or uncles wanted to spend quality time with them. They're not going to be young forever and I am all for sharing this time everyone. Plus it comes with the benefit of some much needed "Us Time" for mom and dad. So why is it that other children have such a hard time sleeping over here?

I'm not a bad cook. It's true that sometimes I get a wild hair and try something new. Sure there are times that it doesn't work out, but more often than not, the new recipe ends up being a keeper. Occasionally even a family favorite. I love to cook and we often have big home cooked meals. Of course, I've been told by my kids' guests that my home cooking is not like their mom's. Maybe what's unusual is that we don't eat a lot of fast food, convenience foods, or pre-made meals. I make most everything from scratch because certain preservatives give me migraines. Maybe that changes the taste of things. Neither my husband nor I have a sweet tooth so we don't keep a lot of sweets around the house. Maybe that's the deal breaker. But we loosen up the rules when the kids have friends over. They can have more sodas and junk food while watching movies. I try to make it more like a party than an everyday event. Food is rarely an issue in our house. 

Maybe I'm just too strict. I don't allow food and drink anywhere but the living and dining rooms. I just don't want ants in the bedrooms. I make sure they brush their teeth. I'm pretty strict about hygiene, especially your teeth. You only get one set of permanent teeth and dentures totally creep me out. I make sure everyone likes the movies that are picked and games that are played. I don't really set a bed time so long as you don't keep me up. My husband and I try to disappear into our bedroom pretty early so as not to interfere with the kids' fun. So I can't be too much of a wicked witch.

Maybe we're boring. Maybe the Wii, PS3, karaoke, movies and TV aren't enough. (Hey, we like our entertainment. Sue us.) If that's not enough, the kids have toys, but they must not be cool enough. Kids still say 'cool', right? Granted, we make our kids play without modern conveniences for most of the hours of the day. We just always felt that the imagination was the best tool that they will ever have. We didn't want them becoming the zombies of the next generation. You know, like the adults you see now that are glued to their phone screens; total zombie mode. I see that happening already. Some of my kids' friends are lost without their internet connection to their various devices (we won't give them our password). They end up resorting to playing outside most of the time unless I allow them to play video games. And I do allow it. A lot. I'm not a total wet blanket. 

Am I scary? My little 5'2" frame? My kids' friends are bigger than I am and some of them will barely speak to me. I admit that my "Mom Voice" can be a little intimidating. But I use that on my kids. I soften it up when I need to correct a behavior with the friends. Am I so scary that they can barely speak to me? Or that they don't want to spend the night? My kids have two friends that have gone home in the middle of the night and one that won't even consider staying over. But my kids spend the night at their houses all the time. I just don't get it.

Maybe I just raised my kids differently. Maybe I just raised them to have fun and be more trusting. They know that I am always here for them whether they can see me or not. I raised them to feel secure in themselves and in their environment. Spending the night at a friend's house should be part of growing up. A kid should experience different family dynamics and break other people's rules. A kid should stay up late, giggling and telling stories. Kids should do their best to scare each other and make fun of the one that crashes first. Kids should play games and laugh till they pee. They should form friendships that will last through childhood and memories that will last forever. I want that in my house. I want my home to feel safe and still be fun. I want my kids' friends to stay the night. I want to hear laughter and arguments. I want those memories to form here. 

As far as I can see, my kids are becoming very well rounded. They get to be parented by other parents. Push other boundaries. Explore other cultures. Taste other foods. They may not know it, but they are deciding on what kind of parent they will become by seeing other families first hand. I may be awesome, but I know that I can't be everything to my kids. Maybe these other kids, the ones that don't like staying away from home, are truly missing out on something wonderful. There may be no place like home, but my home is like no place else.

Body Image

I recently noticed that my youngest one, a daughter aged seven, has been making comments like, "I need to exercise", "Look how many inches I have lost", and "My tummy looks big today". I was floored to hear these comments coming from sweet seven year old. Especially one as active (and not needing to lose weight) as mine. It didn't take very long for the light bulb to click and realize that she was doing what kids do best. Copying Mommy.

Body image is one of those subjects that doesn't get talked about until there is a problem. A negative body image can have very damaging consequences. Eating disorders, low self esteem, and depression are just a few examples. When someone is suffering from a poor body image, we take it upon ourselves to try to boost them up so they feel better. We reassure and encourage them. After all, we've all been there, haven't we? Then we talk about them as if something were wrong. How could they feel so badly about themselves? Or how did they let themselves get to this point? How come no one noticed sooner? And we act like we don't understand. On the flip side, have you ever noticed that we always describe people in the most negative of terms when they have a healthy body image? Someone who is happy with the way they are is suddenly conceited, vain, pompous, arrogant, cocky, narcissistic, egotistical, stuck-up, or snooty. We can never just be happy for those with a healthy body image. And heaven forbid  that those who are satisfied with themselves be imperfect in society's eyes. But we form society's opinions. We are society's eyes, ears, brains, and mouths. It's a vicious cycle that we stuck ourselves in. It affects us as mothers as we struggle to accept the changes that motherhood has made to our bodies. And it affects our children as they see us struggle.

Fifty years ago, the average woman weighed roughly 120 pounds and wore about a size eight. Today the average woman weighs about 145 pounds and wears a size 12-14. Fifty years ago, we had to be a lot more active to get things done. We forget that convenience wasn't always at our fingertips. Kids didn't have video games and mindless cartoons to entertain them. In fact, television wasn't even broadcast 24 hours a day like it is now. Food had to be prepared because TV dinners were still pretty new. There was no internet so you still had to physically go somewhere to mail a letter or talk to someone. No wonder people were smaller. Sizes have even changed to appease our vanity. A size 8 in the 1950's is roughly a size 2/4 today. Our fashion models have even gotten skinnier. Twenty years they were wearing a size 8. Today they wear a size 0. Our most famous stars are averaging a size 2-4.

It's no wonder that I struggle with my body image. I never bought into the idea that because we are constantly bombarded by images that I would somehow be affected. I thought I was smarter than that. I had a theory that because I had educated myself on the topic, I could avoid the pitfalls of a poor body image. It only took my fat clothes becoming my skinny clothes for me to become obsessed with my body image. And when I became obsessed, so did my daughter.

It didn't matter that I wasn't talking about her. It didn't matter that I wasn't asking her to exercise or eat less or eat better or watch her weight or the millions of other things we tell ourselves to do. She was copying me and I was doing it to myself. What should matter is that she says I'm beautiful and that she loves me and that she says I'm the best mom ever.

So I'll climb down off my soap-box now and be honest with myself. Yeah, I'm not real happy with my pudgy belly or my floppy arms. And maybe my legs aren't as nice as they used to be. But not being proud of who I am is affecting how my kids feel about themselves. I should hold my head a little higher and cut myself some slack. I've been through a lot to get here. My kids like me just the way I am. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little self improvement. I just need to go about it in a way that has a positive effect on my children's lives. The things we do have a lasting effect on our children. Let's make sure they are positive.


If you or someone you know needs help with an eating disorder please contact:
NEDA
NIH
Mayo Clinic

Fifty years ago information link here

The Friend Zone

I'm sure all of us had friends that our parents didn't approve of for one reason or another. Be it their long hair, surly attitude, secretive ways or lack of volume control, there was always a reason to find fault with our friends. Of course I never understood any of this as an adolescent. As an adult, however....

My kids' friends can be so annoying. Not only do they not have an instant understanding of our house rules, but the things they do make me wonder if they are even raised in a house. Here are 10 simple and I think very logical rules to follow:

#1. My House is NOT a Restaurant (unless you want to pay me)

I love to cook and I am happy to report that my kids love what I make. Yes, my children can be somewhat to blame by offering their friends snacks, but do not take advantage of a host's kindness and raid the fridge. Additionally, a simple "May I have a drink?" goes a lot further than helping yourself to whatever you can find in my kitchen. I am happy to pop popcorn for movies and provide glasses of water or kool-aid, but let's refrain from getting sugared up on cokes and candy while you're running amok through my home.

#2. Knock Before You Enter

This goes for all people that are not personal close friends of my husband and I. Our family and a select few of our friends have the privilege of making our house their home. They know who they are without question. I can tell you right now that if you have yet to go through puberty, you had best knock and wait for an answer before entering my domicile. 

#3. If you Break Something, Fess Up

Look, I have three kids, a dog, an elderly mother in law and a clumsy husband. I don't have much valuable in my house so chances are if you break something, I probably got it at a discount or second hand. Just tell me. I'm not going to freak out about it unless it was something that was in my bedroom or in the china cabinet where you weren't supposed to be anyway.  

#4. Remember Your Place

I know that there are many types of personalities in this world and I am not the kind of mom to stifle my own kids' quirks, be it bossiness, creativity, or surliness. Within reason, of course. But you're not my kid. I try to teach the art of compromise in my home. It's the best way I have to deal with all the strong personalities I have growing and developing and teach then how to deal with each other. Either take turns or play separately. If you can't deal with that, feel free to go home. How's that for compromise?

#5. Please and Thank You

Am I the only parent that still teaches those little words? Likewise, I hope my children remember their manners when they are in other people's homes...

#6. If You're Bored Then You're Boring

I try not to let my kids play video games, watch movies or tv, or scour the internet for hours on end. They don't own any handheld devices or cell phones. They do have little iPod shuffles and headphones, but nothing fancy. I like to make them go outside and play. In fact we have a lot of outdoors toys. If it's raining or too hot, I make them use this thing called an 'imagination'. So if you come over, expect to get some exercise be it physically or mentally. I admit, there are times I could try harder and have some organized activities ready for just this scenario, but I'm not the one who's bored.  

#7. Use Your Technology Responsibly

I know kids these days (that made me sound old) have fancier phones than I do, but I still expect them to use them responsibly when they're in my house. My youngest child is seven and is more easily susceptible to nightmares than my other two. We are big movie buffs and tend to watch a variety of horror films quite frequently. The rule in our house is that if you feel it is too scary, you are free to excuse yourself. But if you watch it, watch it at your own risk. Recently, my youngest has been having nightmares, claiming to be afraid of the dark and refusing to even go to the bathroom alone. We couldn't figure out why because she hadn't been watching any 'scary' movies with us. It turns out that she was watching scary movies clips on YouTube on a friend's phone. What an eight year needs with that technology, I will never know. So now I have to monitor not only my kids' internet activity but their friends as well so I don't have anymore wake up calls at 4:30 in the morning.

#8. Don't Invite Yourself to Spend the Night

I don't mind sleepovers. I like having a bunch of kids camping out in the living room, watching movies and making memories. However, chances are, if you had to invite yourself, I didn't want you there to begin with.

#9. Talk to Me

I am not a big hairy monster that's going to tell all the kids at school that embarrassing thing you did at my house. That's my kids' job. Just talk to me. Nothing bothers me more than a kid that doesn't speak up. I don't know whether you're shy or shady. It's best not to give me a reason not to trust you. 

#10. If You're Not Allowed to at You're House...

If you're not allowed to do it at you're house, chances are you can't do it at mine. This includes, but is not limited to, jumping on the bed, yelling, screaming, roughhousing, running, ruining dinner, eating tons of junk food, being rude or bossy, terrorizing the dog, hogging the game controls, talking back, or leaving a mess for yours truly to clean up.

If you follow these simple rules, your kid will have a great time over here. I love letting my girls do crafts and bake cupcakes. My son and his friends have all sorts of zombie apocalypse games that they have made up to play outside. I like taking the kids to the neighborhood pool and to the library. They can go to the park or wash the car or their bikes. We have more games than I can name or have storage for. I'm not stingy when it comes to video games, movies or tv. I just try to make sure that everyone agrees on what is played. And of course the house has to be presentable before we have company. After all, Mommy has to get something out of the deal. 

The Art of Bribery

Summer is a time when the kids are home from school and have all the free time in the world. It's a time for them to use their imaginations and create new games and express their ideas. They can play outdoors all day and well into the evening thanks to the extended hours and warm temperatures. They can visit with friends, go biking, go to the park, the pool, or the neighborhood witch's house. All of which they complete within the first three days of summer vacation. Then the boredom sets in.

It is in this that I envy parents who work outside the home. My day begins with a new show my girls have discovered. Perhaps you remember it. Full House. Yes, my morning cup of coffee wouldn't be complete without Bob Saget giving me lessons in life, John Stamos flipping his hair, and Dave Coulier doing every cartoon voice I can think of from the last 50 years. I suppose now I know how my parents felt when I made them watch it when it was brand new. However, I have new memories attached to some of the players of Full House. I can't help but giggle at Saget's very G rated dad when I've seen his stand up. It's filthy, but hilarious. There was also Mary-Kate Olsen's short stint on Weeds where she played the pot smoking girlfriend of Silas Botwin.

So instead of sitting around and watching reruns all day, I have resorted to bribery. I can be a very evil mommy when my sanity is at stake. The summer activities they were taking for granted have now become a hot commodity.

What's that you say? You want to watch Full House? I'll let you watch two episodes if you clean the living room. You want to go outside and play with your friends? (A double sanity saver because now the kids are outside and not making a mess in the house) I need you to clean your bedroom. I have also have a tidy dining room, kitchen and bathrooms in exchange for video games, movies, and having friends over. Their laundry gets put away in exchange for dessert. And the parenting books all say not to bribe your kids. How do you think I got through toilet training? I was sneaky with that one, though. I got "special soap" you could only use if you went potty.

Bribing my kids has been pretty easy. Plus, if you don't do the chore, you don't get the reward. Period. End of story.

Don't judge me.